Feel Like a Fraud?

Let’s Talk About Impostor Syndrome!

Introduction 

 

Ever feel like you’re faking it? Like no matter what you achieve in your career, relationships, or as a parent, you’re a fraud and everyone’s going to find out? 

Turns out you’re not alone! Research suggests that nearly 70% of people have experienced thoughts of being a fraud/imposter.  

You may be thinking, “Isn’t Imposter Syndrome just a work thing?” And yes, while Imposter Syndrome is often discussed in the context of work, or careers, thoughts of being a fraud can creep into all aspects of our lives. Those familiar nagging feelings of doubt and fear can undermine your confidence, whether it’s your confidence in your career, relationships, or as a parent. 

Before we dive into all things Imposter Syndrome, we want to highlight a common misconception about Imposter Syndrome. It is not a ‘Syndrome’. It is a pattern of thinking, and like all patterns of thinking, it does not define you and can be overcome. 

 

Do You Feel Like an Imposter in Your Relationships? 

 

Do you often have a voice in your head saying things like, “I’m not good enough for my partner”, “My friends don’t really know me.” or even “I’ve tricked my partner into loving me, they’ll leave when you know the real me.”  

 

If you do, you might have Imposter Syndrome.  

 

Impostor syndrome in relationships can lead to unfounded insecurity and even self-sabotage. These feelings of inadequacy may cause you to question your worthiness of love and affection, leading to persistent worries about being “discovered” as a fraud by your partner. These thoughts can lead to self-destructive behaviors like the following:  

  • Emotionally checking out of your relationships because you believe they will all inevitably end 
  • Ignoring bad behavior due to feeling your partner is settling for you 
  • Avoiding vulnerability out of feel of being “discovered” 
  • Assuming your partner has bad intentions 

 

Just like how Imposter Syndrome doesn’t stop at work, it also doesn’t stop at our relationships. For many women, these feelings of inadequacy can extend into parenting. Enter Mompostor Syndrome, where the stakes feel even higher, and the doubts can be even more crippling. Let’s explore what it means to feel like an impostor in motherhood and how to tackle those feelings head-on. 

 

Mompostor Syndrome: 

 

Mompostor is a common term used to describe Imposter Syndrome in mothers. While men are not immune to Imposter Syndrome, mothers often bear a larger burden of shame when it comes to parenting. Many mothers feel they are failing at motherhood, a belief that becomes ingrained over time. An Imposter thought that has turned into a tightly held ‘truth’.  

Dr. Alison Escalante conducted a survey for Psychology Today and found that 78% of mothers feel pressured to get everything right, and 58% feel they’ve let their kids down. Dr. Escelante and other researchers also found that reassurance does nothing to alleviate these feelings, as Mothers turn these reassurances into further evidence that they are only successful at hiding their inadequacy.  

We wanted to see if feelings of being a fraud or an Imposter resonated with the women in our lives, so the team at Celtic Training asked the Women in our lives about Mompostor syndrome. Here’s one of the stories we got in response. They have asked to remain anonymous; we will refer to them as Judy going forward. 

 

“As soon as I took my son home from the hospital, I felt unprepared. I had spent my entire pregnancy studying, reading as much as I could so that I wouldn’t feel so lost. But there I was, and no matter what I did, or what my Husband told me, I felt like I was letting my kids down or like I was trying too hard. When I looked at the Mums around me, they seemed like they found it all so easy. Like Motherhood came easy to them. Only years later have I had the courage to ask them whether that was true, and I found that they were thinking the exact same things about me.

When I look back, I wish I had been open about what I was feeling. I think I would have enjoyed being a Mum a lot more, a lot sooner, if I could have let go of those feelings; if I could have been proud of myself.”  

 

So What Now? 

 

Now that we understand how Imposter Syndrome can affect us and those around us, what can we do about it? As we mentioned earlier, Imposter Syndrome isn’t a true syndrome but a pattern of thinking. So, how can we change this pattern? 

 

Tips to Overcome Impostor Syndrome: 

 

  1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: The first step you can take to overcome Imposter Syndrome is to hold space for your feelings of inadequacy. Acknowledge that these feelings are just feelings and not truths. Remember, feeling like a fraud doesn’t mean you are one. 
  1. Celebrate Your Successes: Imposter syndrome can stop us from believing our successes are due to our abilities. So, take some time to pat yourself on the back for your achievements, big or small. Yes, even that one that no one knows about! 
  1. Talk About It: Thoughts of being a fraud grow in isolation. Like we saw in Judy’s story, we can find solidarity when we share our feelings. You’ll be surprised how many feel the same way. 
  1. Challenge Negative Thoughts: I Consider framing your thoughts through the lens of, “Would you talk to a friend this way?” We often tolerate cruelty when it’s self-directed, but it’s harder to justify when imagining it directed at a loved one. Be a good friend to yourself.  
  1. Seek Support: If you find that your thoughts of being inadequate are affecting you or your relationships in a way you can’t manage on your own, consider talking to a mental health professional. It’s okay to ask for help and seek guidance. 

 

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Further Reading:  

How to Express Your Feelings: If you struggle to be vulnerable with your partner or loved ones, check out this helpful resource from Psych Central. They offer simple tips to make expressing your feelings easier. 

https://psychcentral.com/lib/feeling-stuck-how-to-express-your-feelings#what-makes-it-difficult  

 

Tips on how to build Self-Compassion: Do you struggle with Self-Compassion? Check out this article from the Harvard Business Review. They breakdown who’s likely to experience difficulty with Self-Compassion and tips on how to increase your capacity for Self-Compassion: 

https://hbr.org/2018/09/give-yourself-a-break-the-power-of-self-compassion  

 

If you want something a bit academic, check out this article on Self-Compassion: https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.01289/full  

 

Tips on how to Overcome Perfectionism: Perfectionism has been found to be a leading cause of Imposter Syndrome. Read Verywell Mind’s article on how to overcome perfectionism: https://www.verywellmind.com/overcoming-perfectionism-how-to-work-past-perfectionism-3144700  

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